Cantaloupes and Baby Carrots

Cantaloupes will kill you according to this article in USA Today. As they write, “Salmonella outbreak leaves 8 dead, hundreds sickened in US and Canada. At least eight people are now dead − three in the United States and five in Canada − and hundreds have fallen ill following a cantaloupe recall tied to a salmonella outbreak, health officials in both countries reported Thursday.”

That’s all well and good. Nice to know that we are being protected from the possible life-threatening dangers of cantaloupe (something a lot of us have known since forever because cantaloupes kind of suck.)

What is being ignored by everyone except CNBC (Colbert News and Broadcasting Corporation) is that baby carrots will turn you gay. Since most people in the U.S. and other repressive countries would rather be dead than gay perhaps it would be worthwhile to replace baby carrots with cantaloupes in these areas.

This brings me to the focus of this piece which is to present, what I believe to be, an ideal solution to the conflicts that are occurring worldwide.

I call it the Baby Carrot Solution.

The success of this endeavor rests on the continuing belief among Catholics that a fish is a vegetable (but only on Friday. The rest of the week it’s a meat product.)

It would be a multi-pronged attack on warring countries that would begin by procuring millions of tons of fish, preferably just before the actual drop to ensure the freshness of the product.

These fish would then be loaded onto airplanes which would begin to make their sorties at around 1 -2 minutes before midnight on Thursday. Timing is crucial.

The fish would be dropped on the offending countries and on the way down they would turn into baby carrots which in turn would make the entirety of the population on both sides of the conflict turn gay. Since we all know that gay people would much rather decorate, throw elaborate parties celebrating their gayness, and march in colorful rainbow-themed parades this would bring an effective halt to their wars.

More experimentation with baby carrots is needed to determine whether mere contact with the carrots is sufficient to turn people or if they have to consume them in order to have the desired effect.

If mere contact is all that’s needed then we’ll be well on the way to ending all wars and creating universal peace.

This could open up an entirely new field of study, Vege-psycho-science, which would examine the effects of other vegetables on people’s beliefs and ideological leanings.

Scientists and researchers in this new field could also be encouraged to look into the effects of vegetables on things like climate change and pandemics.

Imagine the possibilities if one of these enterprising groups found out that Kale could stop global warming or that chia seeds held the secret to curing all known diseases and killing viruses.

Some of the initial studies conducted on Kale have proven to have some effect on belief systems in that this leafy, green, and largely unpalatable weed has been accepted as an edible item.

This direction is ripe with promise as no one has even scratched the surface of all the available vegetables and grains that could conceivably solve all of our problems and predicaments.

One of the impediments to continuing this line of inquiry is that we seem to have an insatiable appetite for destroying everything in our path. The Amazon which had formerly held so much in the way of mysterious grains and berries that would cure everything and magically make us thin and healthy with no effort on our part has been largely destroyed in order to continue the production of cows which, other than being kind of cute, have no value whatsoever.

 Our path is clear.

Time is running out. The window of opportunity which has been closing verrrry slowly for the last 15 years is about to slam shut on our fingers.

 We must take action now.

We must engage in a WW II level of mobilization and drastically increase our investment in the production of Kale, baby carrots, and chia seeds if we are to have any hope of saving the planet for future generations.

If we can get millions of recalcitrant, self-centered, mindless, and woefully uneducated people to invest their life savings in yet another pointless grift then we might have a fighting chance.

Our children are depending on us. Don’t let this opportunity to save everything slip through your fingers.

We need you now more than ever.