How to Prepare for a Bird Flu Pandemic

You open the internet. Boy, was that a bad idea.

You keep looking anyway. The first thing you see is Luke, sporting a raw milk mustache. Actually, it's more like a goatee. How did he get milk on his chin? You don't want to know. You try to look away.

You can't.

You read that story about raw milk in high demand. No, wait. It's not even raw milk anymore. Now they want bird flu milk. They think it will strengthen their immune system. They can't be patient. They can't wait to catch it the normal way. They have to get bird flu right now.

Fear of missing out, right?

"It's milder in liquid form," Luke says.

Makes total sense.

You put your phone away long enough to get to work.

You don't do much at your job these days. Nobody notices. Their brains are fried from a combination of stress, infection with a zillion bugs, and all the stress that comes from rationalizing genocide and the collapse of democracy. The human mind can only process and purge so much cognitive dissonance. After a certain point, it just goes on permanent vacation.

You're fairly sure we're there.

Your coworker Katelyn knocks on your door. She wants to ask you a quick question. You tell her that's better than a slow question. She doesn't get it. "Anyway, you know all the things." You try to stay optimistic. Maybe Katelyn here is about to ask you about respirators or air purifiers.

No, that's not why she's here.

"Do they make raw milk coffee creamers?"

A year ago, you would've discouraged your friend Katelyn from pouring bird flu in her coffee. Maybe on a better day, you would try. Instead, you just say you don't know. "I'll have to look into that."

"Thanks!"

You need a little dopamine boost, so you doomscroll for a while. Turns out, doing that relaxes you. It's better than therapy. You scroll and scroll. You don't know what you're looking for. You'll know when you find it.

You find it.

There's a new topic trending. "Birds Aren't Real." You vaguely remember that from a few years ago. Something terrible has happened. No, reframe it. Something wonderful has happened, something truly amusing.

The raw milk people, the anti-mask people, the anti-vaax people, and the law of attraction people finally found it.

They found "Birds Aren't Real."

You suddenly crave popcorn.